'...it is not you, it is us'

In Summary

·         Men would rather slink quietly out of a relationship than give a woman the break up speech. And here is the reason why.

Once upon a time, back when MC Hammer’s pants were not regarded as hilarious or ridiculous, the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me,” was the easiest way to break up with a woman. It worked. Women embraced it unquestioningly, perhaps even found some sort of peculiar consolation in it.

Then along came Sex and the City and the bottom fell off. Women wisened up. They demanded to be ditched in a more dignified way. They demanded that men to be more ‘honest’ with them. They said, “Sod that excuse, Nick, I deserve better!” They demanded the absolute, bitter truth. As a result, there is, at this precise moment, a man who is with his woman but has already left her (the greatest oxymoron, if there ever was any). This man is wrestling with questions such as: “How do I leave her? How do I make a clean break? How do I make sure she doesn’t embed her high heels in my skull after I’ve said its over? Surely, I can’t leave her now when she just lost her job.” Actually, you should.

To illustrate, a true story: A friend of mine – let’s call him Manuel – sent me an email two months ago with a relationship conundrum. Things were slowly going south between him and his fiancée and for months he had wanted to break it off, but had not gathered enough courage to go through with it. She didn’t have an inkling he was battling with this problem; she thought Manuel was just stressed working the graveyard shift. Then, just when he had gathered the balls to break it off, she lost her job. Yes, I know! Indeed, bad things happen to good people… like Manuel. Anyway, she was devastated. She had bills to pay. She had a sick mom to buy medicine for back at home. She had a car loan and school fees to think of.

She cried daily. Her acne came back (OK, I made this one up). The only thing left unbroken in her life was good old Mani who, unbeknownst to her, had one foot out the door. Good old Mani was in what we call a catch 22 situation; damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

So when he sent me that email seeking my counsel, I didn’t hesitate to give it to him on the chin.

“Leave her now,” I said. “You will never have a better opportunity. The good Lord has opened this door, Mani boy. It’s a sign! Bolt when it’s still open,” I pleaded with him. He was shocked at my lack of compassion.

I told him it was mean to wait until she got a new job then dump her. You don’t dump someone when they have just recovered from one trauma; it’s better to dump her then so that she kills both traumas with one therapy session, as opposed to dealing with one and being on the path to recovery, only to have to deal with another.
“Come on, think of it more like doing her a favor,” I told him, “She won’t die, I promise.” So he dumped her. Guess what? She didn’t die. She now has a new job and a new man. And Manuel is dating someone else… who hasn’t lost her job yet. (And he owes me a bag for that sage advice, which I’m still waiting for. I have time.) See? Everybody is happy. All that’s well ends well.

The decision to leave a woman is never easy. Greater men have drunk themselves silly to find the Dutch courage they need to tell their women it’s over. Weak ones have written letters, and the even weaker ones have sent limp, defeated text messages. Hell, some have left town in the dead of the night. There is never a good way to say it’s over because all they will hear is, “I don’t want you anymore,” and everybody wants to be wanted even if they are not needed.
I find it surprising that women, with their glorified sixth sense, are not able to tell when their men are on their way out.

I mean, this pampered sixth sense can tell when your man is guilty of hanky panky or if your child has sprained her leg a thousand miles away, but it can’t tell you that your man wants out?!

Why does this sixth sense take a holiday when it’s needed the most? How can a man want to leave for six months and the woman not get a “funny feeling in my bones,” as they always say? It can only be denial.

A while back, in the media, there was that story about the bride who was left at the altar by the groom who chose digging up his shamba over saying ‘I do’. I remember asking myself: where was her sixth sense? Didn’t she see any signs at all?

Women always say, “Look if you are tired of this, just let me know. Just tell me the truth.” Only a drunken fool believes that. Sure, women can handle the truth, but can we handle our own truths?

Men are scared to confront the reality so they dilly and dally, blame their jobs and anything else that they can get away with, and hope against hope that God will show them a sign – an open door, a burning bush. Something. Anything.